Here it is, the last day of 2021. I can say that I never expected to be at this point. I never expected that Laurie wouldn’t live to see another New Years’ Eve. She has been gone 39 days today. The grief is overwhelming. The sense of loss devastating. I haven’t decided what’s worse yet….. 1) Waking up in the morning and not having her with me. As I would be on the way out the door, she’d say “Have a great day. Be amazing”. Or 2) Coming home at the end of the day and walking in the door knowing she’s not here waiting. Waiting with that smile she always greeted everyone with. The “Hi, How was your day?”. I took those things for granted. I expected they would always be here. I’m stunned that those things will never happen again. Most days now, I walk in the door to silence. It’s deafening. Even as I sit here now writing this, there is no noise of a video game. No music playing. No laughing at a funny video or Facebook post coming from the bedroom. I’d even welcome hearing a snore at this point. But all I hear is the second hand ticking on the kitchen clock. Tick. Tick. Tick. It is a reminder that time marches on. and it will continue to march on, regardless of whether I am ready for it to or not.
Today was usually a day of celebration. It is Bailey Dog’s birthday. He turns 9 this year. It would be a night of watching the ball drop on TV. Eating snacks as we went about the evening. All culminating with a kiss at midnight listening to whatever loud-mouth TV show host was on. It didn’t matter. What mattered was the togetherness. The anticipation and the hope of a new year. New excitement. New adventures. New opportunities. We’d talk about our ideas for the new year. We’d talk about when we’d start planning our next Cape Cod trip. And we’d cap it off with our usual ending to each other as we turned out the lights for the night. She’d say “me and you”. I’d say “you and me”. She’d say “Always”. I’d say “Forever”. I’ll miss her incredibly this New Years Eve. but I’ll still take time to remember. I’ll remember the “Always & Forever”. Happy New Year, everyone.
Take time to make time. Make memories. Live life. Tomorrow is promised to no one.
Grief After Loss 
Give them hell
In many sports you’ve seen,
You need a team to play,
Each one will have their part,
If they’re to win the day,
So in every sport,
You have injuries occur,
Where that player needs to sit the sidelines,
For their ailments to cure,
What then is there to happen?
Does the game just simply stop?
It must carry on,
If the team is to remain on top,
Our lives are like the game,
As many poets told,
With their stories on paper,
From the days of old,
And just like the game here said,
We are but a player,
Our family and our friends,
And those we hold in favor,
When we lose the ones we love,
It hurts to see them go,
They sit upon the sidelines,
While we cry our tears of woe,
But we are but a team,
And the game will surely end,
Giving us our time,
To reunite with them again,
So when you lose a teammate,
And all you have is tears,
Keep playing this game to win,
And do it without fear,
It is never truly bye,
Nor a long farewell,
They are cheering on the sidelines now,
Saying “Go and give them hell!”,
You may feel despair,
Like your life is at an end,
Losing someone so dear to you,
Your loved ones and your friends,
But fear not my friends,
And keep it in your mind,
The story I have told,
And keep holding the front lines,
They are watching you,
As you play this crazy game,
Taking on the challenges,
With a heart of burning flame,
Giving you love and wishes well,
They are cheering on the sidelines now,
Saying… “Go and give them hell!”
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I know all to well the overwhelming grief that never seems to end
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Beautiful, Carl. May this help your journey through ot all.
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This is a beautiful post Carl. I hope the writing helps you as you grieve. Thank you for sharing yourself and Laurie with all of us.
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It is always the little things missed that bring the most pain. For me, the hardest part was simply getting up….and sometimes I couldn’t. Nothing makes it hurt less and nothing seems like an answer. I always took comfort in the odd little occurrences that happened through the day….when my TV went off suddenly without cause, when a particular song might play. I remember one day finding a jar of skin cream Randy used. I saw this perfect shape of the tip of his finger and could not move for a second. Since he died, I have been witness to so many peoples’ grief. The loss of love is always shocking and disorienting. It takes a while to reset the bearings. It feels as something not survivable but when done well (which means whatever it means) my personal belief is it opens love and capacity for love….it is a slog to get there though. It is a journey walked alone sometimes of necessity or choice and at other times others join. The love Laurie had to share was palpable as is the pain of her loss. I’m glad to see you willing to let others bear witness to your journey. It is so much a way to stand up again.
Xoxo
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Carl this made me tear up and made me realize again never take anything for granted. I am sending you hugs and much love. You are an amazing and strong person. I wish for you nothing but the best and may your grief eventually subside in due time.
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