No Spinach

Let me start by telling you that spinach is NOT one of my favorite things to eat. But I tolerate it! 🙂

Laurie would always put spinach in almost everything she cooked so that I’d at least get some “green stuff” in me. Lasagna? Needs spinach. Ziti? Needs spinach. Salad? Needs spinach. Chili? Needs spinach? Marinated Grilled chicken? Needs spinach. You get the picture. I secretly liked that she wanted me to try it and to eat something that has a lot of health benefits. She truly wanted the best for me. That didn’t stop me from giving her a hard time about it.

Right after Laurie passed away, Our Community Cares set up a Meal Train for community members to drop off a meal to us. It would be one less thing we’d have to worry about everyday and it was a TREMENDOUS help to us. But it was not lost on me that the very first meal that was delivered to us by a family was lasagna. WITH SPINACH. I immediately took it as a sign that Laurie’s hand was at work. Michael and I had a good laugh about it. It was a delicious meal and we were grateful to have it. It was made with love for us. Throughout the month of the meal train, several other things arrived with spinach. We laughed each time and said out loud “Thanks Laurie. We get it. You want us to have spinach.”

One of the things I have struggled with in the early stages of this loss of Laurie is going to the grocery store. It sounds so simple and yet, some of you are probably thinking it’s crazy that that’s a challenge. You are probably asking yourself what can be so hard about grocery shopping? I had avoided it because I knew the minute I hit the grocery store, I’d be bombarded with “it’s so good to see you, I’m so sorry about Laurie.” The questions like “How are you?” “Is there anything we can do?” The uncomfortableness of seeing people who don’t know what to say. I wanted to avoid it all at any cost. But I knew I’d have to tackle it sooner or later.

And so a few weeks ago I ventured into the grocery store for the first time in nearly 7 weeks. I kept my head down and followed my list. My only thought was just get this over with as quick as possible and get back to the “safe space” of home. Several people stopped me to talk to me or hug me. It hurt. It was sad. But I’ve learned it’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sad. I need people. I need contact. And people need to see and talk to me. They need to process their concern and love for me too. It’s a process. We’re all finding our way through it. I even had someone stop me and ask if I was Carl Quinn. I told her I was. She told me she was on a local non-profit board with Laurie several years ago and how much she enjoyed working with Laurie. I expected her memory to make me sadder, but it was actually very comforting to hear her memory of Laurie. She also told me she lost her husband last year. There in the laundry detergent aisle we briefly commiserated about our new found label of being “a widow.” I found I was glad she stopped me. Common circumstances, no matter how sad, makes me feel less alone.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the emotion that would hit me for the things “that weren’t.” All of the usual things that Laurie would put on the grocery list. They weren’t on it this time. No berries. No vinegar. No coffee creamer. No cheese sticks. And yes, no spinach. So there I stood in front of the fresh spinach greens with tears in my eyes praying no one was watching. I was sure I’d be labeled the “weird guy crying in the produce aisle.” I was mourning the things that are “missing”. The things that were distinctly things Laurie brought to our marriage. I know, it’s “just spinach”. But it’s so much more. It was just one more reminder of the things that are different; that have changed. New things that I must accept and process in this new reality of life without Laurie.

I’ll venture back to the grocery store again soon. I’ll see people. We’ll share stories; memories; hugs. It will help me heal. For now, I’m taking it one step, one spinach leaf at a time.