Love vs. Like

4 months

3/22/2022 – today is 4 months since Laurie left our lives to become an Angel watching over us. The grief has changed a bit. Things feel more real about the loss as time has marched forward. The loss has set in and taken root. I’ve tried not to let it have a strong hold, but it happens sometimes. In the beginning there were distractions; work, family, friends, new responsibilities etc. Now, it’s harder to be distracted. The thoughts about the loss are bigger, hit harder, stay longer and come more frequently now. It’s a scary, dark place. I try not to dwell there. It feels harder to get out of that place. But I’m trying. Things like thank you’s, opening the mail, taking care of the house and the animals suddenly seem like huge chores. Facing tough, life-changing decisions that need to be discussed and talked about with the one person who you trusted and valued their opinions and guidance, but they are not here. Looking around the house at everything that has to be dealt with is debilitating sometimes too. It’s like my body freezes in place. Hours pass and I have literally not done anything about anything. And then I wonder what’s wrong with me? Why don’t I get things done? Why can’t I force myself to do those things. I know I’ll feel better if they’re done, but that’s not enough to compel me to do them. And on some days I have a clear mind; a burst of energy and LIFE and some things do get done. It is true that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to things like this. On those days, I love who I am, but I don’t necessarily like myself.

Like vs. Love

They say time changes everything. Time also gives you A LOT of opportunity to be alone with your thoughts. Those thoughts sometimes lead you astray. You begin to question what you thought you understood and knew. What was/is reality vs. your perception of what existed.

It’s probably pretty common after the loss of your spouse to start to develop “what if” questions and have regrets. Were there things I didn’t see? Things I didn’t understand about our marriage. Had I disappointed Laurie? What about the things that were left unsaid? Did I show her how much I really love her? Did I take into consideration her feelings, wants and needs? Was I the best husband I could be? Was Laurie happy with the life we built over the last 25 years? I’ll never get answers to those things now. Did people look at our life and think we were lying and living a farce? Did people look at our life and think it was a fairy tale that dreams are made of? I can’t change what people think. All I can tell them is you can think whatever you want. I’m not here to change your mind or convince you of anything. What I can tell you is that Laurie and I are the ones who lived this life and knew every little detail about our marriage and what it was and what it wasn’t. That’s what my “gut” tells me even if my mind is still resolving unanswered questions.

People tell me Laurie was proud of me. That she LOVED me. That she was happy being married to me. Even in the times she didn’t LIKE me very much. Every relationship has bumps in the road. Lord knows we had ours. But the one thing I can say is that I felt like Laurie and I were always a work in progress. Did she feel that way too? Ups, downs, good times, bad times. We’ve been through A LOT in 25 years. Some that would have destroyed other marriages. We always overcame it and always found a way to come back together.

7 days before the aneurysm happened, we took a short road trip to talk and reconnect. It was her idea. I wish I’d thought of it. We drove through the Berkshire’s; one of our favorite things to do. She rested her hand on my leg. I rested my hand on hers. She said “me and you”. I said “you and me”. She said “always”. I said “forever”. We said that from one of the very first times we met. As we continued driving, I pointed out things along the way. Things we had talked about before. Places we had stopped or made memories at. She told me I was the best tour guide she’d ever been with. We laughed. We talked. That night when we got back home, I stood at the kitchen sink doing dishes. She came up behind me and put her arms around me. She whispered in my ear “I love you, even when I don’t like you very much”. I carry that with me now. I hope that’s true. I hope that’s the life we built. I’m struggling with the “what ifs” and the unanswered questions. Struggling with not having the opportunity to say goodbye. To tell her what she really meant to me. We are still a work in progress I guess. And now, it’ll always be that way until we meet again. And I’m left wondering.