546 days

11/22/21 to 5/22/23

18 months since Laurie tragically and suddenly passed away from a brain aneurysm. 546 days in and I’m still standing. In those early days of grief, I wasn’t really sure that I would get here. Or that I wanted to. Contemplating life without Laurie seemed nearly impossible and overwhelming. In those early and dark days, I honestly contemplated following her. Through many hours of therapy and gut wrenching determination, I’m still here. Taking each day as it comes and navigating whatever this new journey looks like. Sometimes I do that one day at a time. Sometimes it’s one moment at a time.

11/22/21. We were told to arrive at the hospital at 12 noon. We were put in a room to wait for the doctor. I had been told the night before that Laurie was brain dead. I knew what was coming. I wasn’t prepared. How could I be? But I knew. At 12:20pm Laurie was pronounced dead. Several friends and family spent the next 3 days with Laurie as she remained on life support while the Organ Donation and Transplant Team worked through next steps. Wednesday 11/24 at 3pm, the day before Thanksgiving, I kissed Laurie goodbye for the last time and walked out of the hospital. The rest is a blur.

May 23, 1997 – the first weekend after Laurie and I met face to face for the first time on May 17th. 26 years ago. That weekend of May 23rd/24th would be the beginning of a journey that we’d hoped would last forever. We spent the weekend together in Rochester at an AOL party. It immediately felt “right”. The spark. The connection. Laurie and I would remember those days often and all of the subsequent weekends that we’d spend together. I’d travel to Utica, Syracuse or Rochester. She’d sometimes drive to Albany. We were finding ways to explore how this new found relationship might work.

May 22, 2009 – Laurie and I managed to get away for our first vacation in a long time. We wanted to celebrate the anniversary of our first weekend together from 12 years earlier. We stayed in a friends cottage in Bar Harbor, Maine. We had an amazing time. Even with the car breaking down on a Sunday afternoon in Acadia National Park. We spent time reconnecting, seeing new things, making new memories.

May 2021- in the midst of the COVID pandemic, Laurie and I made time to get away to Cape Cod for the weekend to celebrate the anniversary of the first weekend we spent together. It was cold and windy. We made the best of the weekend and had a great time exploring new places on the Cape we hadn’t been to before. We took a ride to find the Kennedy Compound. We were successful and couldn’t believe how big it was and how close we could actually get to it. It’s one of the things that I loved about Laurie. She was always up for an adventure and we had plenty over the years. We enjoyed driving together ALWAYS and exploring new places and things.

May 22, 2023 – life without Laurie is a challenge. Sometimes I fight to get out of bed: to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I remember why I’m still here. Sometimes I’d like to forget. I’m learning to navigate uncharted territory full of bumps, detours and roadblocks. I’m not sure what lies ahead for me. I keep thinking I’ll have some epiphany of what this new life is supposed to look like. I know that’s not realistic or likely. But it is a hope on how to get through some days. Time marches on. It always will whether I want it to or not. Nothing is the same and tomorrow will continue the evolution. I’m here for the ride. Wherever that may take me.