How is this possible ?!? 12:50pm August 31st 2022 was exactly 7 days ago……168 hours… 10,080 minutes…604,800 seconds since I last touched you, kissed you, told you I loved you, heard your voice, and felt whole. I’m not sure how I’ve made it a week without you, and quite honestly I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to live this life without you. I want my world to go back to the way it was, with you by my side and us together forever. It’s not fair !!!! I miss you, and I love you Johnny 💔😢 Past forever and longer than always..
Your urn came in on day 7 and I’m bringing you home later today. Of course it’s 1am and I’m not asleep. I dont know how I’m going to handle this. I’m hoping having you home will bring me some kind of peace and comfort. it will never ever be the same because you cannot talk to me, wipe my tears away, make me laugh, hold me in those arms, or do any of the magical things you did to bring a smile to my face. I miss every damn thing about you, even your sarcastic asshole mode, and yes ….even that duck voice of yours. I’m so glad I have videos of you that I can watch and hear you. I wish things could have been different baby and I’m so sorry. I know you aren’t in pain or struggling anymore and that’s comforting, but my selfish side screams out that it’s not fair and you should still be by my side. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy, it’s a whole new world of pain and hurt that changes every second of every day. Half the time I just stare into space, not focusing or hearing anything but my own breath and heart. In those moments, I daydream of what you’re doing and praying that you are reunited with your dad on the other side. I know how much you missed him, so I hope he was there to greet you with open arms. I’ve always believed that when we leave this world, our loved ones are waiting for us in the afterlife. Maybe sometimes you could visit me in my dreams and tell me about it? I just need to know you are at peace. I hope my voice was the last thing you heard and that you knew I was right there with you. Sorry about the panicked 911 call. I hope the last thing you felt was me rubbing your back trying to get you to come back to me and not all those things the medics had to do to you. I still sleep with my pillow they put under your head on the floor. It’s the last thing that touched you and I’m glad it was mine. I hope you understand why I walked away when they brought you into the kitchen. They didn’t want me to see but I looked anyway. I can still hear their voices and the shocks they gave you. I wanted them to try to bring you back but at the same time, my heart knew it was too late but I had hope. When the police arrived I knew. They questioned me on the porch and then the medic came out and hugged me and told me he was sorry, they did all they could but you didn’t survive. My dad arrived 2 minutes later and the rest is a blur. If there is a way for you to tell me you are ok and at peace, I’m ready to hear it. I can’t promise my reaction won’t be a bit of shock, but I need to know. You tried to visit me a few nights ago but I think it scared us both too much and you backed away. It was a split second of a dream where I was reading an apology card from you and you were standing over my shoulder. It didn’t make any sense and it was over before it started. Were you trying to tell me you were sorry for leaving ?!? Please don’t be sorry. Im not angry with you, I am just angry in general that the universe thought that now would be a good time to take you away. I know if you had a choice you would have never ever left me here alone. Our love will forever be my most favorite time of my life, no matter what happens next !!! You made my life so much better and brighter and I thanked you for that often. I’m really happy you knew how I truly felt about you and that will keep me sane through all of this. I was blessed to have you babe, and now I’m blessed to have you as my angel. Don’t worry my love, I am well aware how much you loved and cared about me, you told me all the time too. Our love was better than any fairytale ever thought of being, it was real and it was amazing and I’m glad I got to share it with you. Keep watching over me Johnny and know that I will carry you with me for eternity. I love you !!!! Goodnight fluffy ❤️
Grief After Loss 